The saying “put yourself first” and self-care never sat too well with me. I couldn’t put into words why putting yourself first bothered me so much…until now.
I agree there are multiple instances where you need to put yourself first. For example, in the event of an aircraft emergency, caretakers should put their oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. However, by-and-large, many people have taken the concept of “putting yourself first” as an opportunity to be selfish. You should only put yourself first long enough to learn how to love other people. Putting yourself first shouldn’t be a long-term way of life.
In the New Testament, the second greatest commandment is “Love your neighbor as you love yourself”. The commandment to love others as you love yourself is second only to loving God “with all your heart, with all your soul and, with all your mind” (Mark 12:30-31). However, Jesus said both commandments are equally essential. Love others as you love yourself. He didn’t say love others less than you love yourself. Caring for others should be on the same level as you care about yourself. We are living in a climate where it is trendy to elevate ourselves.
Put Yourself and Others First
You will never feel fulfilled when you satisfy yourself more than you serve others. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you’ll feel resentment if you disproportionately put other people first before your own wellbeing. There’s a balance that God wants us to pursue and I want to talk you about that. This way, we will not be deceived into thinking that putting ourselves first is what’s most important.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the ministry of people who teach men and women how to care for themselves. This is important because neglecting yourself is never ok. Taking care of your soul and mental health allows you to have more to give. When you don’t know how to take care of yourself, the people connected to you suffer because of it. In addition, I want to prevent you from developing a mindset of isolation or pride while “walking in your worth” or taking care of yourself.
As disclaimer, I want you to know that I advocate for taking a good hiatus (a short personal break) to refresh. I took one for a whole year by leaving social media to discover myself without distractions. Let’s continue.
Why It’s Dangerous to Put Yourself First (All the Time)
One day at work, as a single woman, I was sick with a cold and I really wished someone would show compassion to me. I envisioned someone gently placing a blanket over my shoulders, and maybe even offering a cup of hot tea. Then I heard God say, “that’s what I want you to do for others.” It was easy for me to think about what I wanted for myself, but God showed me that that’s how quickly He wants us to love others.
Have you ever been depressed or over-worried about a certain issue in your life? I know the answer to this question because we all have been there, but stay with me. For 2 and a half years, my husband and I could not get pregnant. During that season of my life, I remember being so focused on my inability to have children that I was unconcerned with other people. That’s one example out of many, of how I could be so overwhelmed with my own problems that I stop caring about anything else.
Here’s a Secret
The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders the second you remember to check on someone else. During trying times, give to others and meet their needs where you can. Helping another hurting person, heals you too. But when you’re only concerned with your own affairs (good or bad), that leads to hopelessness and feeling alone. When you realize that people need your presence, you come out of that spiral of “Me, me, me.” When I started reaching out to other women struggling with infertility and praying for them, I became stronger and more hopeful for myself.
Everyone’s just as important as you are to yourself. Don’t think for a moment that your problems have more validation than someone else’s. A life spent worrying about yourself is a life wasted. Being too prideful to celebrate with other people or to encourage them, leads to despair, loneliness, and conflict.
Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverb 16:18)
Only by pride (self-arrogance) comes contention, but with the well-advised is wisdom. (Proverbs 13:10)
Why It’s Dangerous to Put Others First (All the Time)
We are definitely living in a culture where self-love is over-hyped. Self-love is important because many women put others first all the time; they don’t have enough energy to care for themselves. It’s important to know how to love yourself if you want to love others in a more effective way.
Self-love is more than skin care, massages, relaxing baths, and retail therapy. Self-care is also forgiving yourself, practicing emotional stability, and maintaining mental clarity. Without mental clarity, you wont be able to see how others need you and how you need them. People need your forgiveness, your compassion, and consideration—the same things you need from them.
People who love themselves the right way, not in a prideful way, know how to love others and they love doing it. Once you know what self-love is, you will inadvertently know what it means to love others. You will add to people’s wellbeing as you add onto your own.
Loving other people should come naturally when you love and respect yourself
But when you constantly put other people before yourself, you get exhausted. This exhaustion comes from working so hard to please people. Exhaustion is also stemmed from the emotions you feel when your expectations of people loving you back are not met. I am not an overly emotional person but my feelings do get hurt when people do not respond to me how I expect them to. Don’t live to only please other people, live for yourself and them. That way when they do not fill your cup the way you fill theirs, you still have self-love to fall back on (and Jesus, of course). You can feel good about giving people what you would have given yourself.
How to Balance Loving Yourself and Loving Others
- If how much you give others outnumber how much time and attention you give yourself, it’s ok to say “no” to people
- Take breaks from people if you need some time to fill your cup spiritually or mentally
- Give more to others (time, attention, and gifts) when you have been focusing on yourself too long
You will know when the balance is off based on a wonderful thing called “feelings.” God has given us feelings to gage when something is wrong or needs to be adjusted in our lives. Pay attention to these “off” feelings; they can easily be fixed by loving on someone, loving on yourself, and loving Jesus.
I would love to hear where you currently are with loving yourself and loving others. Comment below.