I want to share a surefire way to kill a relationship (or at least kill the authenticity of one). Read on.
Who’s that one person in your life you always joke around with? They understand your sarcasm and your wit matches theirs. Since day one, you guys have been telling jokes and enjoying innocent banter.
You have so much fun together, but there’s one problem that makes this relationship one step shy of being awesome: it lacks gentleness. When tension arises, no one knows how to say sorry. There’s an expectation to move on and “let’s just have fun again.” Conversations are shallow, and mutual joy comes from talking about other people. Sure, you care about that person, but that’s questionable because you can’t tell them you love them without it getting uncomfortable.
A rocky and unstable foundation holds up that relationship. I call this type of foundation, a foundation of sarcasm. A relationship built on this foundation can last awhile but it can never be soul-satisfying or go as deep as you want the relationship to go. In this post, I will show the difference between a relationship built on fun and games and one built on love.
When I first heard about the danger of sarcasm, I made a note in my journal, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of wisdom. Similarly, you may not be ready to hear this right now, but someday you’ll get it. My pastor said, “sarcasm kills relationships.” “Um ok,” I said in my head.
Even after I graduated high school, I loved sarcastic, fun-loving, immature relationships.
Disclaimer: Before you hit the close button on this post thinking “this sounds boring and anti-fun. No, thank you.” Give me a chance to show you how you can have it all—fun, loving, deep, lasting relationships filled with belly laughs but also purity, honesty, and gentleness.
Now…where was I? Oh yea… Sarcasm can kill a relationship. I didn’t understand where my pastor was coming from until I experienced it with my husband. We had a foundation of love, but we also played a lot with each other. Sometimes we played so much it scared me. I loved our child-like goofing, but when things got rough or went too far, I felt empty.
If I can feel that way with my husband who I love, and I know I can run back to, imagine a relationship like that with a friend or a family member. If you’ve ever felt a void after fun and games with someone or if you feel like your friendships have no real fuel, other than short-lived laughs, read on.
Sarcasm Can Kill a Relationship
Relationships built on sarcasm and clever remarks, can be fun! Or they can be down-right uncomfortable from the start. But if you like this kind of stuff, it’s a blast. There is no pressure to show your real-self or express your true feelings. Plus, time flies when you’re having fun! You started building all your relationships on this logic: if we can laugh together, we can be friends.
But then something happens. You find yourself caught in a tough, emotional dilemma. In your mind, you scan through your list of friends, searching for someone to confide in. After a moment of frustration, your mind draws a blank. “Who can I turn to? How can I possibly open up to her? How do I express what I’m really feeling? This feels too vulnerable.”
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Relationships Built on Love
Relationships built on love do not mean rainbows, unicorns, toothless baby sharks, cute puppies, and squishies. It means after all is said and done, your friends know how much you care about them. For some people this is easy, but for others it’s a bit uncomfortable to show their soft side. I’m going to share some tips that will make vulnerability a breeze—for both the person expressing it and the one receiving it.
Building a relationship on love is not a one-time project; it’s never-ending for the relationships you really care about. For example, even though my husband and I were founded on love, the monotony of life and our childish arguments, still needed to be interjected with love often. It’s like a game of Jenga—too many inappropriately placed pieces, makes the whole structure unstable.
Any relationship you want to be meaningful must allow space for compassion, trust, and respect to flow. This applies to many types of relationships: The father who plays all day with his son, should make sure he’s gentle enough that his son feels comfortable telling him he’s being bullied at school. And the lady that jokes with her coworker to pass time, shouldn’t be afraid to put jokes aside to tell him when he crosses the line.
Tips on Incorporating Love into a Playful Relationship
Missing out on opportunities to do these four things can kill any relationship.
Say I love you: When appropriate, tell them how you feel. It may make your eye twitch in the beginning, but it lets that person know “if you ever need to talk, you can talk to me; you can trust me.”
Nice Gestures: Give little gifts, give complements, and listen intently when they talk without interrupting
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Give Hugs: Righteous affection or healthy touch (as opposed to lust) is needed between humans. There are lots of studies that prove the power of a hug. They’re nice and cozy, too 😉
Don’t Talk Behind Their Back: If you truly care about this person, defend them. Resist the urge to speak behind their back. Instead, be honest—yet gentle—when you communicate with them directly.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
(Proverbs 27:5-6 NIV)
This verse highlights how a friend’s honest correction and difficult truths, though challenging, are ultimately valuable in relationships.
Conclusion
Don’t kill a good relationship. I don’t want you to miss out on what could be strong, solid relationships. Like all things that grow, relationships require constant nurturing. It would be silly of me (no pun intended) to write all this and act like we can do all these things on our own. If you are anything like me, you mess things up. But God is the One who gives us the grace and strength we need to accomplish the good things we need to do. Here is a short prayer you can say out loud to grow in vulnerability in relationships:
God, I believe that the people in my life are not here by mistake. Help me not to mess this up. Show me exactly what that person needs from me and show them what I need. Help us to fill each other’s cup with love even as we have fun together. In Jesus name, Amen.