I remember when I started waiting. Like that tense feeling you have when you sit in a doctor’s office waiting to be called. After almost two years of being together, I waited for my then-boyfriend to start talking to me about marriage. Isn’t that what‘s suppose happen after being in a relationship with someone for that long? With this mindset, I almost married the wrong person.
I was 24 years old. I hardly understood the purpose of marriage — other than it meant we could start having kids without the world’s judgement. But I just wanted to be wanted for life. I wanted to settle down. And, yes, I wanted to raise a family with someone. My young heart wanted to be sure that it would never be alone again.
Marrying the Wrong Person
I let my desire to be married trump everything else. I ignored all the warning signs. Including the abuse, how my family and loved ones felt about him, and most importantly how he made me feel.
Two (2) was the magical number for me. My thinking process was “it takes about two years to get to know someone, two years to know whether or not that’s the person you want to move forward with in life or not.”
Finally, I broke down and I brought up marriage. His response was something like “Do you really think we’re ready for that?” My heart sunk. I thought maybe he just needed more time and I was willing to wait longer for him but thank God the relationship ended when it did.
My strong, overbearing desire to be married meant I was not level-headed or thinking wisely. Thank goodness we didn’t start planning that wedding (as much as I wanted to) or I would have been married to the wrong person.
I don’t have ill-feelings towards my ex-boyfriend. But I believe at that time in our lives, we were both still growing into our own identities and marriage couldn’t fix that. Later on I focused on my identity and saw immense results by following the steps in A Journey to Wholeness Activity Journal.
If you are currently in a relationship and starting to hear the clock tick, remember this…
Don’t Pursue Him
Don’t force him. This is mainly because when things get tough in your marriage you don’t want him looking at you like “this is what you wanted.” God placed a unique drive in men that makes them love the chase. Men know when they want something and there is an urge to pursue it. He will go the extra mile to get the girl and even keep her. I thank God that women do not have this robust responsibility.
As a woman, there is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings and desires and setting boundaries. If your boyfriend believes he is not ready for marriage because his credit score could be better, or his career is just lifting off, or maybe he’s just afraid, you can talk to him to help him settle his fears. Tell him that you love him anyways and want to go through everything in life with him. But ultimately you want it to be his own decision. Not a decision coerced by pressure and ultimatums from you or others. Marriage is a big job and he personally has to be ready — ready to give his all for the woman he loves.
The decision you get to make is how long you are willing to wait. But you also have to know when it’s the end of the road. If you feel he is worth the wait and you are at peace with waiting, don’t suffocate him with pressure the whole time. Make sure he understands your standards and your limits, then accept your relationship for what it is.
That is how I almost married the wrong person.
To avoid marrying the wrong man, I want you to ask yourself this…
What would I be missing out on if I settled?
I’m not saying my ex and I could have never had a great marriage, but I know I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now with my husband. It would have taken a lot of work and years before he and I could enjoy marriage life, especially since now I know exactly what marriage life consists of. I’m sure he had the potential to be a good husband, but if I would have taken him out of his element before he was ready, he would not have operated at his optimal potential. And, in turn, our happiness would have suffered for it. Not to mention, I would have missed out on what feels like a match-made-in-heaven with my husband, Blake.
Gem, God knows exactly what you need and that person will always be worth the wait.
Let me know in the comments below. Have you been close to marrying the wrong man? How long are you willing to wait in a relationship? Can you date someone for 5 or 10 years before getting married? How long do you think it takes for someone to know they are ready to marry a person?
In my next post, we will tackle how to overcome all the feelings that come with watching your friends and loved ones get married before you.
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Love you Gem, Shawandie
G.E.M.S- Godly Women Enjoying the Magnificence of Singleness